I miss my brother

No one ever wants their loved ones to end up in a dump, out on the streets, in jail, or on drugs. The sad part is this has happened in my life more than most can say. Right now, my brother is in jail for robbery. He's been in there for awhile and lately it has been bothering me more than usual. I often see things that remind me of him on a daily basis. I tear up, my vision is blurry and memories of when we were little come to mind. No recent memories fulfill the void because they hurt. They hurt because he was so skinny, sucked up, on Meth. Meth, the worst drug anyone can take to fuck their life up. I took psychopharmacology and one midterm the question was, "Which drug would you prefer a loved one to take, marijuana or Methamphetamine, explain why." I chose marijuana because the truth is Meth fucks your brain up, it has effects on your brain that last a lifetime. When I wrote my answer to this question, I wanted to believe that my brother knew better than that. I wanted to trust that he would never take a serious drug like meth but he did. I had high hopes for my brother, I still do, I want him to be sucessful in his unique way. I know college is not for him, but I just want him to find something he loves, and makes a good living from it. It just tears my heart up and eats me up inside knowing he is slowly killing himself. I am glad he is in jail, at least we know where he is at and for the most part safe. I guess not entirely. My mom visited him, only to see him with a black eye. I wonder what he fights for, why he is so agressive. I know the lack of a father figure has a lot to do with it. I study psychology and research has shown that children, especially boys without a father figure tend to end up in jail, on drugs, and on the streets by 18. My brother fits this statistic. He fights to express his anger. I know its my dads fault and it is part of the reason why I despise my father. He left us, he was never  father and know my siblings have to pay for it. I lucked out because my dad was always there for me. I envy myself because I was his favorite. I hate it! My siblings deserve as much love from their dad as I do. He always chose me over them and I hated it. To be honest, I hate him for it. As I write this I have a lump in my throat and can barely read the screen because of all the hate that flares just thinking about him. He gets out of prison this August and all I can think about is how much I wish he was there for us through out our lives. I wonder where my brother would be now, I know he would be so much better off. I wish I could see my brother in a better world, on a better path. But it is so hard. I just want the best for my brother but I know why he is angry, I dont know why he has turned to drugs. I am angry at him for turning to drugs and not coming to me as his big sister for help. I am angry at myself for not opening up my arms to him and now I feel it is too late. It is awkward most of time during our visits. We talk about when we were younger. He was the best brother ever, we would play tackle football with the neighbors, race down the street on our bikes, and skateboard. He taught be how to be a kid and to love life. I really really miss that brother. I wish I could go back in time to mentor him. I have regret and I think that is why it hurts me so much. I just wish he could do better in life and start on the right path. I don't know why it hurts so much. I know what its like to lose a loved one to drugs, story of my life. Its why I choose to live a life free of drugs and alcohol. Its not worth losing your life and hurting those around you. To end this I just know it is going to be  a long struggle for his life. I can just picture him down the road like my dad. As much as I do not want to happen, it is the only picture that is in my mind. I guess I can only try to be positive with him and attempt to make a real difference because I love him so much.